Game of Thrones: Season 7, Episode 4 – “The Spoils of War”

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Okay, Dragons, that was A LOT. I hope you’re ready for a review with lots of ALL CAPS, because I don’t know how else to express my feelings.

The Lannister army is on the move, taking gold and supplies to King’s Landing. Jaime gives Bronn a bunch of gold to pay him for his service, and we get a nice little comedy show between the two as Bronn complains about not having a castle. He asks if Jaime’s so grouchy because his new riches are weighing him down, and Jaime reminds him that the gold isn’t his – it’s the Iron Bank’s. Back in King’s Landing, Cersei tells Tycho Nestoris that the gold will be arriving soon, and their debt will be repaid in full.

In Winterfell, Littlefinger gives Bran the knife that was used to try to kill him back in season one. Thanks, I guess? Kind of a crappy gift, but okay. Littlefinger launches into yet another speech about how he loved Catelyn and how he’s here to protect her children. Bran asks if he knows who the dagger belongs to. Littlefinger says no and points out “that very question started the War of the Five Kings.” Littlefinger makes a comment about finding chaos once he’s returned home, and Bran interrupts him, saying, “Chaos is a ladder.” I didn’t catch this, but this is a phrase Littlefinger has uttered to only a couple of other people, and there’s no reason for Bran to know that other than the whole psychic, time-traveling weirdo thing he has going on now. Littlefinger’s face shows that he realizes this is Weird for Bran to know, and he leaves. Meera comes to say good-bye to Bran – she’s leaving to go home to be with her family when “they” come. Bran isn’t exactly emotional about the whole thing. Meera calls him Bran, and he stops her. “I’m not anymore. Not really.”

Meanwhile, guess who’s back in Winterfell? Arya “the Assassin” Stark. She gets into the castle despite being hassled by the two stupid men guarding the gates (are these really Winterfell’s finest?). They turn their back for a moment, and Arya disappears. The two report to Sansa, and she immediately knows where Arya went – to the crypt, to visit their father’s tomb. The reunion between the two sisters is relatively quiet. Arya asks Sansa if she killed Joffrey and tells her that he was always the top person on her list. “Your list?” Sansa asks. “Of people I’m going to kill,” Arya responds nonchalantly. You gotta think that by now, Sansa is wondering if she’s the only normal Stark left.

Arya and Sansa visit Bran by the weirwood, where he’s being creepy, as usual. Bran says, “I saw you at the crossroads. I see quite a lot now.” Sansa chimes in, “Bran has … visions.” Bran says that he thought she was going to go to King’s Landing, and when Sansa asks why she would do that, Bran says, “Cersei’s on her list of names.” Sansa’s face here is perfect as she realizes, “Ohhhhh, that was not a joke back in the crypt about murdering people….” Bran pulls out his dagger, and everyone is like, “umm, why would Littlefinger give you this?” Excellent question, guys. Arya points out that it doesn’t make sense for a cutthroat to have a Valyrian steel dagger. He doesn’t want it and gives the dagger to Arya, and I’m calling it now that she’s going to murder someone (please be Littlefinger) with that dagger before season’s end.

Later, Arya decides she wants to join the fun of training with Brienne and Pod. But let’s be real, this is really just an excuse for Arya to show off how badass she is now. Can you imagine a fighting team of Brienne and Arya together? Unstoppable.

In Dragonstone, Missandei tells Dany that there’s still no word from the Unsullied. Dany says, “he will come back to you,” referring to Grey Worm, and she asks Missandei what happened between the two of them, to which Missandei responds, “Many things.” Well, I mean, not that many, right? There are limitations. Anyway. Jon takes Dany on a romantic cave date where he shows her dragonglass. And “there is something else I want to show you, your Grace.” Oh, I bet there is, Jon Snow. Sorry. Maybe not the time. He shows her cave drawings done by the Children of the Forest showing them and the First Men join forces to fight the White Walkers. And Dany’s like, “oh, woooow, cave drawings? Totally believe you now, Jon Snow.” She promises to fight for him and the North when he bends the knee. WE ARE STILL ON THIS?! Jon says that the people of the North won’t accept a Southern ruler, and she says they will if he does. “Isn’t their survival more important than your pride?” So, if they don’t submit to you, you’re just going to let them all die? Great, Dany, thanks.

They leave their romantic cave date to find Tyrion and everyone else waiting for them on the beach. They tell Dany the not-so-great news about Casterly Rock, and Dany decides that now is the time to yell at Tyrion. Jon and Davos look awkward, like friends who have to sit around while a couple is fighting publicly. Dany asks Jon’s opinion, and he says that if she uses her dragons to burn castles and melt cities, she’s not any different from the other rulers – she’s just more of the same.

Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Dany, and Jon plays dumb. Davos is like your over-involved friend who has good intentions but gets all up in your business. Jon says she has a good heart, and Davos says, “I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart.” To which Jon replies, “There’s no time for that.” Jon is so practical and grumpy – I love him. WE HAVE TO FIGHT WHITE WALKERS. THERE IS NO TIME FOR ROMANCE. They run into Missandei, who asks Jon about the whole “Snow” surname thing. She says that they don’t have marriage in Naath, so the concept of a bastard isn’t really a thing. Naath sounds like a solid place. Missandei tries to explain to Jon that they follow Dany because they believe in her, not just because of who her family is.

But before they can dig more into that, a ship pulls up. A Greyjoy ship. That’s right. Jon and Theon reunion. How badly did you want Jon to just throw Theon back into the sea? Jon tells Theon that the only reason he’s not killing him is because of what he did for Sansa. Theon says he’s there to ask the queen for help in getting Yara back. Jon says, “The queen is gone.” I found this line to be hilarious, because he says it as though she went to the store for milk.

But where is she anyway? Hmm, I wonder.

We go back to the Lannister army. They got the gold to King’s Landing, but they’re still moving other supplies. Seems like a quiet day. Nothing really going on. Jaime and Bronn have a brief conversation with Dickon – not Rickon – Tarly, Sam’s super hot brother. No, but really. Sam’s brother is really hot. There are articles just about how hot he is. This is the most unrealistic this show has ever been.

But wait. What’s that? It sounds like there is a hoard of riders over that hill–OH, DAMN, THERE IS A HOARD OF DOTHRAKI RIDERS COMING OVER THAT HILL. All of a sudden, it’s on. (I have no idea how the Dothraki got there so quickly? Didn’t it take them all of the first season to get from City A to City B? I digress.) Back in season one, Robert Baratheon told Cersei that “only a fool would meet the Dothraki in a open field,” and he was certainly right. Bronn urges Jaime to go to King’s Landing, but Jaime’s proud and honorable or something and says he’s going to stay and fight.

BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE. You thought the Dothraki herd was impressive? WE GOT A DRAGON. In flies Dany on Drogon, and NOW, it’s on. Drogon proceeds to burn everything while the Dothraki lead the ground attack. A few thoughts – the Dothraki can shoot arrows while standing on horseback, which is pretty awesome. The Dothraki are ruthless. Drogon burning everything is fantastic, and honestly, she just should have led with this. Who can we burn next?? Where’s Euron? Let’s burn Euron! The Lannister archers fire at Drogon, and it has no effect. Jaime realizes they need to bust out Qyburn’s “scorpion.” Bronn has to shoot it though, because Jaime can’t fire with one hand.

A few minutes into this, I’m starting to panic. Who am I cheering for here?? I don’t want Bronn to die! I don’t want Jaime to die! But I don’t want them to hurt the dragon! Oh, god, why can’t we all just get along?!

Bronn gets the scorpion in position, and we see Tyrion in the distance watching the battle. Wait, how did Tyrion get there? Did he ride the dragon there with Dany, and she dropped him off on the side? The Lannisters are not doing well here, and Jaime looks out at the carnage, realizing his people are dropping like flies. Bronn shoots at Drogon and misses. Not sure why Dany just didn’t fly out of there as soon as she realized he had a giant weapon. YOU CAN LITERALLY FLY OUT OF THE SITUATION. Bronn shoots again, and he hits Drogon in the shoulder, AND I AM SO UPSET. BRONN, DON’T HURT THE BABY DRAGON. Drogon lands while Dany tries to get the arrow out of his shoulder. Jaime is nearby and decides he’s going to be a hero and try to kill the dragon while it’s on the ground. Tyrion sees this from his vantage point and mutters, “Flee, you idiot.” But Jaime doesn’t, and as he charges at Drogon, Dany and the dragon both turn, and Drogon unleashes more fire. Bronn comes from out of nowhere and knocks Jaime out of the way, both of them falling into the water and maybe escaping certain death.

Dragons, what did you think of this week’s episode? Was the dragon attack everything you hoped for? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

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